My mom was a 14 year old mom…enough said. She did the very best she could at her young age and luckily she had a mother & father that stepped in to help her out. That is the blessing of a Latino family…most of the time everyone has a hand in a child's upbringing, it takes a village right? I remember Grandma & Grandpa’s house was the spot. The family got together there for holidays and other special events. I have memories of my cousins and I playing in the backyard.
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| The family on vacation in New Mexico |
Anyway I get off topic…my Grandmother Rebecca has always been a huge part of my life. I grew up for most of my childhood in their house on Spruce street in Compton. I remember time spent with my beloved Grandfather and the smells of my Grandma cooking in the kitchen. As a baby, she bathed me and fed me..As a preteen she cleaned my room, she made me dresses…she took me shopping. She is truly a second mother to me. She and my Grandpa had a band and they were hired all the time, so I have many memories of sitting in halls on weekends watching them play their music. My Grandfather always seemed to have an instrument in his hands, if it wasn’t his trusty accordion, it was his guitar or later his piano. My Grandmothers voice singing still sounds in my head as if I’m listening to a radio. When she still sang it was a beautiful and comforting sound.
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| Grandma, Mom & Grandpa at a party |
After my Grandfather suddenly passed away, there were many things in my family that changed. I had a lot of internal struggles dealing with the grief of that loss and I know I was a royal pain-in-the-ass to my Grandmother and Mother. Despite all of that craziness and emotional storms, I have always known that I am forever indebted to my Grandmother. She has always been there for me, quirks and all.
One word that I can use to describe my Grandmother…Stubborn. It seems to be a common trait in our family. We all suffer from this “disorder” in varying degrees. A few months ago, my Grandmother fell and broke her hip. She had been told to use a walker or a cane, but simply refused to do so. We even offered to “pimp her cane” to no avail. She has not been the same ever since that fall. She hasn’t even been back home. She went from a hospital to a rehabilitation facility to a skilled nursing facility, where she currently resides. The months of stay have been peppered with multiple visits to hospitals as well, as infections have taken their toll on her body.
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| At my preschool graduation with Mom & Grandma |
I see her now. She is frail, she is weak, she is combative. She is refusing to cooperate, she is not eating…she just seems to be giving up. When I go and visit her, she is quiet but when we’re alone she’ll seem to snap out of it and become talkative. Every now and then her mind veers off and she begins repeating things or she becomes confused. She recently had a bout with a Deep Vein Thrombosis that she is still in treatment for. Highly dangerous but can only really be monitored. This is truly a helpless feeling for my mother, sisters and I.
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| Grandma on the rooftop of her apartment in Downtown LA |
I know the cycle of life goes on. My sister is expecting a sweet baby girl in October. I’m scared. I am so happy and excited but I think of the old saying that when a baby is born, someone typically passes away. I cannot bear the thought of losing my Grandmother. She has been an integral part of my life. My childhood, my adolescence, my adulthood. She has ALWAYS been there.
I am lost, I am depressed, I’m sad, I’m confused, I am worried…I am everything right now. To add insult to injury, my Mother has been through quite a bit this year with her health. It’s like being stabbed in the heart over and over again.
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| Aunt Juana, Grandma and Aunt Aurora |
Now it’s time to get strong. There are decisions to be made, there are rough seas ahead. I am terrified. Part of me mourns for things that my Grandmother never did. She’s never traveled…she’s never been on a plane or a boat. Not really sure about a train but I highly doubt it. There is a rumor that she’s never been to a movie. I guess her priorities were different but still…I wish that she would have experienced things.
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| Grandpa & Grandma with their daughter Josephine |
I guess I can take note and learn from the situation. I will try my best to live my life, to see the world, to live in the NOW. I will try to enjoy my time with her, even if she’s not all there, it’s truly a gift to sit with her and have our random conversations. Every time I have left her side, she has said “I love you”. I know she knows what she’s saying and I can feel that she means it. Unlike with my Grandfather, I have the opportunity to come to terms with things to say many I love you’s before she leaves this world.
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| Grandpa and Grandma dancing and goofing off |
I’m a little stagnant right now. I haven’t been to visit her in a few days. Part of it is work being busy and the other part is that I’m downright overwhelmed right now. I will make it a point to go and take her the funny joy named Noah.
This life is a hard one and I can’t say it enough…make sure you appreciate those that mean the world to you. Young or old, we’re not guaranteed tomorrow. We need to keep that in our heads in our everyday interactions.
God bless you and yours
…Live, love, laugh.
